Comrade Trumpski has congratulated the economy on its excellent performance and demanded to know who authorized its consequences.
The Ministry of Compulsory Prosperity confirmed that good employment news demonstrates the Leader's genius. Any subsequent movement in interest rates demonstrates a conspiracy against that genius. Citizens are advised that these findings were reached independently by the same man before lunch.
Under the revised economic doctrine, markets remain free to discover prices, provided they discover the prices already selected by Comrade Trumpski. A market arriving at another number will be required to show its work, surrender its calculator, and explain why it hates success.
The Ministry has therefore issued separate instructions to all major indicators. Employment shall rise. Borrowing costs shall fall. Prices shall behave. The national mood shall improve immediately upon receipt of this notice. Any relationship between these instructions is strictly prohibited.
Economists objecting that the variables may affect one another have been reassigned to the Bureau of Unnecessary Complications, where they will spend the remainder of the quarter explaining supply and demand to a commemorative gold coin.
The Leader's forecasts remain magnificent. Their arrival date has been transferred to a more cooperative calendar.
Prosperity is mandatory. Affordability will be announced separately. #ComradeTrumpski
Satire ends here · Source record begins
Receipts from unauthorized reality
- The jobs report and the reactionAP, September 5, 2026: Trump expressed frustration with markets and interest rates after a stronger August jobs report. This fictional decree satirizes that response.