The Department of Patriotic Cartography has identified a serious defect in Missouri: the voters continue to exist outside the shapes most convenient to the leadership.
Comrade Trumpski had authorized an improved map in which representation would arrive at the correct destination before the ballots left the station. Judicial interference has now introduced an unnecessary intermediate step involving the public.
The Department expressed particular alarm at the suggestion that voters should have a say in the rules governing how their votes are assembled. Officials described this as allowing the ingredients to review the sausage factory.
Under the proposed corrective procedure, each citizen will receive a district suitable to the needs of the incumbent. Citizens whose political opinions do not fit will be folded along the dotted line. Entire neighborhoods may be relocated on paper without the inconvenience of moving a single house.
The cartographers insist that no vote is being discarded. Unhelpful votes will simply be distributed with the precision normally reserved for watering down an expensive drink.
Following the earlier Lake America operation, the Department had believed a sufficiently confident marker could settle any geographical dispute. It now concedes that a coastline is easier to negotiate with than a court.
Replacement markers have been ordered. The voters remain under review.
The people have spoken. Cartography is working on a translation. #ComradeTrumpski
Satire ends here · Source record begins
Receipts from unauthorized reality
- The September 3 rulingMissouri’s Supreme Court ordered a referendum and held that the prior congressional map remained in effect for November.
- The appeal that followedAP reported September 5 that Missouri asked the U.S. Supreme Court on September 4 to allow the new map. This dispatch addresses the September 3 ruling; litigation remains ongoing as of this September 6 edition.